Arash Ghadishah, a senior studying political science and public policy, is enrolled this term in Berkeley's Washington Program.

As an intern at the Department of Education, he had occasion to contact campus.

Writes Arash: "So my supervisor asks me to email this guy Gene at Berkeley and ask him for some info on an urban education project we're working on. I think fine and, as is my custom with a first email message, I introduce myself. I figure since he works at Berkeley I can ask him about home too.

"So I send a message something to the effect of 'Hi Gene, I'm a senior at Berkeley working here, can you forward me this info, how are things in Berkeley, I'd love some news....'

"Real chummy, right? He sends me the info, and I have to contact him again for something else, so I send another message as though he's my friend from home.

"Then I get the idea to ask my supervisor, 'Hey, what does Gene do at Berkeley anyway?' My boss goes 'You don't know? Gene. Eugene Garcia. Dean of the School of Education.'

"Oops. If I have to send him another message, I don't know if I should call him Professor Garcia, Dean Garcia, or what. Anyway, my boss and my professor got a big kick out of it."

Best enigmatic title for a campus publication: ERG Newsletter. The crux of the matter: not mechanics, but "energy and resource study as the intersection of technological, economic, environmental and political factors."

It sounds crucial and is published seasonally by the Energy and Resources Group over at 310 Barrows. Now we revisit the staff-maiden Dorothy. (That's politically incorrect, but we speak here in the Arthurian sense.) You recall her efforts to defrost the office refrigerator and how, in her email (titled "Refr. Madness"), she asked for assistance.

She found -- a bottle of what was apple juice, but is now vinegar. A carton of 2 percent low fat milk, dated Nov. 20, 1995.

A cup half full of Pasqua coffee, with straw. A cup of cotton-candy fuzzy mold. More cups from Peets and Java City Toasters.

New Snapple guava mania cocktail, other Snapple things; Koala Aussie fruit sparkler; and Hansen's strawberry/kiwi melon cocktail.

A cold pak.

Spot any trends here, marketers?

Maybe buying Snapple stock is still okay.

We like coffee, and we want to save partial cups of it for long periods.

We like really silly-sounding exotic fruit drinks.

We've got weak knees.

...And oh, one more thing. A rusted can of S&W fruit cocktail.

Sure, you think I'm making this up. But I'm not. I've got the can.

Which brings us, mes cheris, to our search for the inventor of fruit cocktail.

You knew it would, didn't you. -- F.M.